Hopes and Dreams and New Projects (Mental Health Pt 3)

 

One of my favorite photos of coming out of the
fog to find the sunset over the Canary Islands...

Where will I be in five years? What is my main goal for the next five years? I feel a lot of pressure to make it a good one. First goal was to travel the world. Been there, learned a lot, wrote a book on my journey. Came back and started on the second goal. The second goal was to build myself a house. Been there, did the work, have the scars. Check. Third goal, welp, that line is still blank. I have lots of things I still want to do with my life. Save the world. From what, who knows, beats me, maybe it is the biology talking but I have high falutin’ dreams of doing something important for more people than just me and my loved ones. Lofty, I know. I don’t dream small. 

And that’s the thing. Too big a dream is dangerous to someone with confidence issues. There is no guarantee that you will make it happen. Will I feel like a failure if I complete two out of three life goals? Is that worry entirely in my head, yes, in fact it is. Doesn’t make it any less scary or intimidating. But then, setting easy goals feels like baby steps after having achieved a big life dream. I have goals like installing solar panels on the house, or growing a bigger garden, or buying my neighbor’s land and starting a semi-permanent artist-in-residence. All quite achievable with a little bit of elbow grease. But is that enough? Could I instead try to steer the entire vision of our town away from its ongoing economic cycle of boom and bust, development and waste? Or does that sound way too bureaucratic and boring to spend time on? You see my dilemma? This is how I end up down the rabbit hole, unsure of what to do. Too many options. It’s a first world problem, I am aware, but something that keeps me up at night. Just like with physical pain, a little bit of mental anguish and a lot of mental anguish both keep you from being comfortable. I have broken bones and scratched off scabs; both have kept me from sleeping. So just because something is a first world problem or insignificant beyond just the walls of my house does not mean that it doesn’t torture me. 

I always knew I would have to confront some of these unknowable questions, but I also thought that I would be cozy, in my armchair, uncaring of the results, like watching a football game between two teams you have no serious rooting interest in. It is a competition, but as a passive observer. Newsflash, when it comes to pondering life goals, the self is quite vested in choosing a worthy answer. What happens to my dreams if something goes terribly wrong? I don’t get a do-over.

I would love to get back in seriously good shape like I was in New Zealand. I would love to set an example for other people. I would love to learn Spanish. I would love to rebuild an engine and learn how to sing harmony in a quartet. But then, these are just the lesser dreams I had that played second fiddle to building a house and exploring the world. It seems both practical and pointless to make them the next priority in life. Some of them seem like luxuries in a world that constantly seems on the brink of collapse. Even becoming a full time prepper has crossed my mind, but then I debate whether I would want to survive after the collapse of society. If people are the problem, then wouldn’t the greatest solution be reducing the number of people. And isn’t it kind of selfish to say that other people should be the ones to go, rather than me? There is a big difference between saying “we” and saying “you” are the problem. My conscience says to believe in the “we” but that leads down a very messy rabbit hole that I am not yet ready to dwell on. Anyway, it is all hypothetical. If it isn’t then the world has some serious problems to confront right away and I may not be the one making those kinds of choices.

At the same time, I am conflicted about living a life of luxury when there is so much obvious maintenance that needs to happen. Our lives are awesome, but they are also on a knife’s edge, contingent on numerous things to keep them awesome. Sometimes, it is the misery of others that creates our awesomeness. Hard to enjoy luxury when you think of someone similar to you suffering to make it happen. I have a hard time enjoying the fruits of my own labor, let alone someone else's. So, in that mindset, I should get back to work. But doing what? Here I am again, the circle spins. This dilemma is often the root of the spiral into self doubt and nihilism. Reason and rationality can be quite cynical. 

Today I am not spiraling because I just finished a spiral. I had a productive day of errands and completion of tough tasks. I wrote a song this morning. I am writing my thoughts now, stream of consciousness. It is keeping me afloat. I am looking forward to tomorrow. For the first time in four weeks, I don’t have a stuffy nose. I hate winter time for that and plenty of other reasons like higher heating bills and frozen dog turds, etc. 

This is the third part of the three part Mental Health self audit. First comes the brash overconfidence that I can take on the world and all its problems. Then comes the crash of self-doubt and cynicism at my own dreams. And now the rebuild of my hopes and dreams. The part where I am hopeful and trending forward, spitting ideas out onto paper and seeing potential in any move I make. It’s not a great cycle, with its high peaks and valleys, exuberance and misery. But it is where I am at now. I wanted to record these feelings for a future version of me who may be mining my own past looking for clues to answer future questions. I am borderline rambling, but hey, that is what a blog is for I guess? 

Now I will take a break from the future and live in the present. Off to frame a house and write some new songs…

Today’s song is Growing Pains by Mike and Moonpies